When someone you love is mourning a loss, it’s natural to want to run to them and offer comfort. It’s easy to feel like you need to offer advice and fill the empty silences with words of love and reassurance. But sometimes, even the most well-meaning words can unintentionally hurt more than help. We recently asked our community on social media, a brilliant group of individuals who have all experienced loss, what they thought people should avoid saying to someone grieving. Here are just some of their answers…
1. “They’re in a Better Place.”
While this phrase might be intended to offer comfort, especially for those with religious and spiritual beliefs, it might come across as dismissive. Grieving people are dealing with the pain of loss in the here and now so telling them their loved one is in a better place neglects their current feelings of sadness, loneliness, or maybe even anger.
It can also suggest that the environment your loved one had created for their lost one was not “good enough” and this “better place” is somehow preferable. This can unintentionally undermine the significance of the life they shared with their loved one and the care they provided. For this reason, we recommend this is something you should avoid saying to someone grieving.
2. “It’s Only a Dog/Cat.”
For many, pets are family. The love and companionship people get from sharing their life with their pets can be as deep and meaningful as any other bond they share with humans. So, saying “It’s only a dog or cat” minimises the relationship they had and can make them feel like their grief isn’t valid. Instead, acknowledge their loss by saying something like, “I know how much your pet meant to you, and I’m so sorry.”
In similar circumstances, another thing to avoid saying to someone grieving the loss of a pet includes “when are you getting a new dog/cat” or “you can always get another one”. These comments can be hurtful because they imply that the pet was replaceable or that the grieving process should be rushed.
3. “I Know Exactly How You Feel.”
Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, everyone’s grief is unique. While you may have gone through something that seems comparable, the way each person processes loss is shaped by several factors such as their relationship with the deceased, their emotional state at the time of the loss, and their support system. When you say, “I know exactly how you feel,” it can unintentionally shift the focus from the grieving person’s pain to your own experience, which might not be as comforting as you intend.
A better approach might be to say, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.” This statement acknowledges that while you may empathise with their situation, you recognise that their grief is their own. It also shows that you’re offering support without making assumptions about their feelings.
4. “At Least They Lived a Long Life.”
While this might be factually true, a statement like this is something you should avoid saying to someone grieving. Grieving isn’t just about the length of someone’s life but the impact they had on the lives of those around them. So, comments like this will again minimise someone’s feelings and may even suggest that you think it was that person’s time to go – even if you don’t really mean that. This can unintentionally indicate that their grief is less valid because the person lived a long life, or that their sorrow is misplaced.
Instead of focusing on how long the person lived, acknowledge the void their absence has created. Just simply saying you’re sorry that they’re gone and that you are there, ready to listen and offer support can be more comforting than trying to find a silver lining.
5. “Everything Happens for a Reason.”
Finally, another phrase to avoid saying to someone grieving is cliché quotes like “everything happens for a reason.” Words like this can be especially difficult for someone who is in deep grief, because they’re often not looking for a reason or explanation, they’re simply hurting. Trying to rationalise their pain can feel dismissive and words like this might even suggest that their suffering should have a purpose or that it’s something they should quickly come to terms with.
Instead of attempting to rationalise their grief, the most supportive approach is to offer your presence and genuine support. This means being there for them without pushing them towards any particular way of thinking or feeling. You can offer comfort simply by listening, acknowledging their pain, and allowing them the space to grieve in their own way.
The Best Support Is Just Being There
Everyone grieves differently, so there’s no right way to support someone through it. The most important thing you can do is be there for them. Listen without judgement, offer a shoulder to cry on and provide real tangible support. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” try offering specific help: “Can I pick up anything for you at the supermarket?” or “While I’m here, let me run the hoover around for you.” Small acts of kindness like this can often be more beneficial and rewarding to both you and your loved one than any string of words.
If you’re looking for a meaningful way to show your support, consider giving a memorial gift. Our collection of memorial jewellery offers a beautiful and lasting tribute to loved ones who have passed. Sometimes, a thoughtfully chosen piece of jewellery can bring comfort and serve as a cherished reminder of those who are no longer with us. But remember, It’s okay if you don’t have the perfect words. What matters most is your presence, your compassion, and your willingness to help in practical ways. Just showing up can make all the difference.
